Couples Psychotherapy

Resolving Relationship Issues

Frequently, couples wait far too long to begin their work together. There are several reasons for this. As a provider of couples psychotherapy in Torrance, CA, Mike King has learned from experience that if you feel you might need to be in couples therapy, you probably do.

Why is getting started so hard? The answer to this varies. For some couples, a significant obstacle to beginning their work together is a sense of embarrassment. For others, it may be unresolved anger or hurt, while for many, it may be unspoken hopelessness that comes from finding that no matter what they have tried, they weren’t able to resolve things themselves. Many times, all three of these are in the mix.

What is usually not understood is that there are good reasons why couples have trouble resolving issues themselves. Whether conscious or unconscious, other influences are present in each couple’s relationship besides the desire to work things out. Other voices that represent each person’s lifetime of personal experiences, learned cultural and social attitudes, and all of the spoken or unspoken family rules they grew up with are also present. With all of these unseen voices whispering in your ear, trying to resolve differences with your partner can unconsciously become a fiercely fought battle for the survival of everything you hold as trustworthy and real.

To recognize this complexity and begin to slow down your responses while starting to listen to the other person’s point of view without fearing ruining your version of reality is often the core work in couples therapy. Depending on the issues involved and each couple member’s emotional and developmental background, this work takes many forms and grows in scope from this essential recognition.

Couples psychotherapy will likely involve rethinking what you take for granted. It also includes reconsidering what it means to be part of a relationship. In the end, it usually involves very consciously transitioning from anger or frustration and distrust to a growing sensibility of mutual understanding and compassion for yourself and your partner. When it is done well, it often builds a far stronger relationship than it ever has been and leaves each person feeling much more deeply understood and loved.

Call or email the private practice of Mike King to learn more about the psychotherapy services he provides or schedule an appointment.

Couples' Psychotherapy

Frequently, couples wait far too long to begin their work together. There are many reasons for this, but experience teaches me that if you feel you might need to be in couples therapy, you likely may. Why is getting started so hard? The answer to this varies. For some couples, a significant obstacle is a sense of embarrassment or shame about their situation. For others, it may be unresolved anger or hurt, and for many, it may be unspoken hopelessness that comes from finding that no matter what has already been tried, they weren’t able to resolve their differences themselves. Many times, all of these are in the mix.

There are good reasons why many couples have trouble resolving issues themselves. Whether conscious or unconscious, there are abiding influences present in each couple’s relationship that are frequently not recognized or understood. These influences, or patterns, are similar to trusted voices whispering in each person’s ear about a lifetime of personal experience, cultural and social attitudes, and all the spoken or unspoken family rules learned over time. In short, they are about the past and what was needed then; they are not about the present.

However, with all these patterns in play, trying to resolve differences in the here and now can seem to become a fiercely fought battle to hold onto beliefs that have appeared dependable and safe for one’s entire life. What is different now is that people and circumstances in the here and now are likely very different than in the past.

Recognizing this complexity and beginning to slow down your responses while listening to other points of view without fearing the destruction of your version of reality can sometimes be the core work in couples therapy. In other cases, moving beyond deeply felt hurt or anger may need to be accomplished. A couple’s work will likely involve rethinking what you take for granted and what it means to be part of a couple. This usually involves consciously transitioning from anger, frustration, or distrust to a growing acceptance of mutual compassion for yourself and your partner. When done willingly and thoughtfully, it often builds a far stronger relationship than has ever existed.

If things were simple, word would have gotten around.

Jacques Derrida

I’ve always felt it’s a good idea to be prepared for the life that you’d like, as well as for the one that you have.

Claire-Louise Bennett

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein

I don’t know, is sometimes the cleverest thing we can say.

Unknown

Be yourself; everyone else is taken.

Oscar Wilde

Just beyond yourself
It's where you need to be…

David White

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein